Monday, May 4, 2009

Begrudging the Grudge - How not to let the joys of resentment ruin a relationship.

A snide little aside sandwiched between two hearty slabs of cold shoulder, the grudge withholds meaningful communication as a punishment. Feeling offended, we either talk about it to everyone but the person who offended us, or worse, the only person we talk to is ourselves, reliving the offence over and over in our mind. Each time we get to pick at the wound, constantly reminding ourselves how we got it. Eventually, the idea of healing it instead of preserving it frightens us. It becomes part of who we are and how we define our relationship with the grudgee. As comfortable as wallowing in indignation can be, I don’t believe that deep down it’s who we want to be.
Retreating from the fight can be the only way to win the battle though. But how will that make us look? What if it comes across like we’re admitting defeat? What if it makes the other person look like they’re right? What will it say about us? It doesn’t say your giving in, giving up, or even forgive. It means you see the importance of resolving your differences- that you’re willing to listen and you expect to be heard as well.
Of course there will always be people better at holding a grudge than you. It may take a long time before they’ll talk to you. They may never talk to you. You lose nothing though by letting them know that you’re always willing to listen. You will not look weak, only patient. You will not seem as desperate as you will diplomatic. You are not saying that you approve of what they’ve done, but you are willing to agree to disagree. All it takes is the slightest gesture to get the ball rolling. This is true whether it’s a text-message to a friend or a president shaking hands with a political spoil-sport. Good intentions pave the road to Hell. Good communication pave the way to redemption.

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